I’ve been dealing with a bit of anxiety lately. Not like it’s bad or crippling, but it’s there. And when I sat down to figure out why I’m “off”, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just because I’m juggling several bowling pins (because this analogy just gets too suggestive if I talk about juggling balls), and I don’t know if I’m going to catch them, or if they’re going to come tumbling down around me. There’s the usual LIFE stuff; daughter about to graduate, college for her, son lost his job, walking the tightrope with him between taking care of him and getting him on his own feet, work projects with completely unreasonable deadlines, wife sick, bills… all the day-to-day stuff that tries to grind us all down. Like I said – LIFE.
But working on my second life, my WRITING, is also getting complicated. I’ve already posted about the many aspects of my plans for a writing career, and I’ve been working at putting them in place, juggling the various pins of WRITING along with those of LIFE, and I’ve constantly tried to prioritize them. I’ve had to make choices at times as to which ones to keep in the air, and which ones to let drop.
But lately, something’s been different, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until just last night.
Some of those pins now seem to be in other people’s hands (see? suggestive!), and I’m having to adapt to the conflicting ideas that, while for the moment I might have a lighter load, I need to be ready at a moment’s notice to catch those bowling pins and move them back into the juggling pattern.
And the anticipation is freaking me out.
For example, this blog – on or shortly after June first, because of my ignorance of how websites work, I will likely lose this blog. You see, I thought I was doing the right thing, and bought my own domain for this blog. That’s a good thing, right? A month later, I made the decision that my writing career would require a full web site. So I tried to plan ahead and transfer it to a web hosting company, only to find that I couldn’t do so until the existing domain had been in existence for at least sixty days. Evidently the forwarding is pretty much an automated process, and I’ve been informed that once it occurs, my domain will be a pristine (read that as “empty”) fully functional website.
I have one more idea on how I might salvage this, but it’s going to cost me another $120 (assuming it works) and who knows how many hours of working with techs on the WordPress side, and on the GoDaddy side. I’ll try to tackle that project this weekend. But in the meantime, I can’t do anything but sit on my hands.
Another example – my story in the anthology. It’s great news that I sold a piece, don’t get me wrong. I’m going to be in a book! I’m absolutely elated over that. But it’s not quite real to me until I sign that contract and find out all the details. What’s the up front payment? What’s the percentage of those “semi-annual royalties” they spoke of? When is the book slated to come out in print? How much will it cost? Where can I point people when they ask where they can buy it? It’s not so much that I’m really worried about these things as much as the simple fact that I don’t know.
My Podcast – I already made two stupid mistakes with my submission on that, and I haven’t heard back from them since my third attempt. Does that mean the third one passed muster and they’re going into the more in-depth review process now, or does it mean that they got tired of trying to baby me through the process and I’m now just waiting for the process to start over again next Sunday?
All of these pins are currently in other people’s’ hands. I can’t do a thing about them right now, and I can accept that (mostly). I like to think I’m pretty good about accepting “the things I cannot change”. But this feels different. While I know they are things I can’t change right now, I also know that they are things I will have to address in the future; possibly the very near future. It’s that anticipation that has me on pins and needles.
LIFE, I can deal with. WRITING, I can deal with. Even LIFE plus WRITING, I can deal with (though that starts getting tricky). But LIFE plus WRITING plus ANTICIPATION has me wanting to curl up in the corner at times.
I know this is the path I’ve chosen, but like the subject line says – anticipation is a bitch!